Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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