I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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