Barsexuality is the new black.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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