I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
