if i can run in heels then i can drive
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
