textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
