the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
