there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
