Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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