I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
