I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
