She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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