He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
