i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Small penises have feelings too.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
