Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
