I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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