I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
