DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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