Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
