Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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