He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize