I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love having hate sex.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
