what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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