i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
