I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So vagazzling was a success
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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