if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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