my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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