I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
