Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
