If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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