I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
