Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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