dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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