i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
