the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
