How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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