So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
