I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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