Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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