I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize