I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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