if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
