I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
