Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize