She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize