Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i think i just lost a toe
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
