I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
