Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
