I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
