I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
