He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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