What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
