i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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