It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
