the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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