so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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