I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
