I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
