Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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