My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
