The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
