If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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