people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
